Thinking about the Reverend.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

So says Martin Luther King. He should know, right? I mean - when I want to start feeling sorry for myself that I don't have what I think I should have or people haven't treated me the way I want to be treated or I'm disappointed, or sad, or worried or, or, or..... I like to dig into the reflections of people who have battled unimaginable circumstances and had the conviction and faith to keep doing the next right thing.

In this case, doing that next right thing cost his life. I feel it's my social and moral duty to try, however I am able, to stand for what is righteous, compassionate and constructive rather than destructive. I have never had to worry about my life, my safety, my standing such as it is. I have learned that the lessons of Dr. King apply to the greatest context all the way down to the one-on-one of intimate relationships. I love my wonderfully creative, passionate, curious and utterly dysfunctional qualifiers as much as I love the life I live with them in it. I wouldn't trade this mess for anything in the world.

I can say with complete conviction that I would NOT have grown into the reflective, accepting and (hopefully) empathetic person I am today were it not for the challenges, obstacles, fears and triumphs this life has provided.

I work with children, and always tell my new employees, patience is enduring something unpleasant, but if you take time to really understand something, you can support and encourage instead of just enduring. So much better that way.

I really AM sorry...

This has been a week of great discomfort, yes, even pain. Physical and emotional. The worst part isn't the bad feeling because that usually passes, but what I'm really sensitized to at this point is the feeling of isolation.

I push people away as a first, snap response to conflict or hurt. But I don't want them to stay away. Unfortunately, I find that I am much less clear in the second part of that stipulation than the first. Screaming at someone to leave me alone is practically reflex. Humbly asking forgiveness and reconnection still eludes me.

I also notice that when I'm at a low emotional and physical ebb like this, I read much more 'rejection' between other people's lines than I would if I was in a more reflective and self aware mental place.

I know I will benefit more from reaching out than waiting for someone to extend a hand, but I've been doing this for so long it's down right embarassing...."soooorry, I was [insert character defect behavior here], I am aware of how I mistreated you....."
Seriously, how many times can anyone hear that before it loses it's impact? This is where I find myself and, frankly, it scares me. Like the boy that cried wolf. I'm the broad that cried insecure self-doubt and loathing. (Wow, talk about a terrifying parable!) So I wait, miserable, hoping for either a moment of lightness that will take me where I need to go with my amend....or....a call from whomever I am at odds with forgiving me in spite of my inability to do the next right thing.

I'm trying to find some internal balance again, not jump to FIX everything around me when I need to first get my internal tadasana aligned again. Putting my wish out to the universe, I can't do it by myself.

High Party Season comes to an end. Finally.

I can't wait for the ridiculously hyped optimism, desperate inspirational-ism and crushingly festive expectations to be Yesterday.

Just like the other hits in the Parade of Impossible Expectations (Valentine's Day being the poster child) -- NYE is just another day that has been held hostage by commercialism, guilt, blame, expectation and excess. "Look happy, see, and nobody get hurt, ya hear??"

We're going to put a nice, solid, suburban/family spin on it this year. Getting out of the big city (that I love more than life itself) and away from the limos and the $150 party tickets and the crowds and instead....doing the nibbles & bubbly and a backyard jam session with some other old folks. I plan to wear my hippest pair of sneakers and maybe throw on some perfume.

Celebrate with the intention of enjoying tomorrow just a little more than today. That's my general outlook anyway, why should this night be any different?!

Namaste. One day at a time.

The fine line between art and life.

I saw this spectacular photography show today. Here is this amazingly honest, fearless and artistically gifted woman, who, in spite of all she had to say through her camera - chose to leave us at the painfully tender age of twenty-two.

These things are such an emotional maelstrom for me. As an art lover, I have come to accept the realities of the artist's process and to resist being maudlin or judgey or sentimental about their professional and personal journeys and choices. It serves no purpose to ask why...only to try to capture the most fleeting acknowledgment of insight or appreciation.

That's all well and good when I get into my academic head, I actually rather enjoy the psychic study as much as the composition or aesthetics. But this particular artist is exactly the age, stage and gender of my most precious of all qualifiers. I can't be objective looking at work after work, one self-study after another, wondering, wondering....what was going through that beautiful head while she was creating so ambitiously and with such authority. It is impossible not to superimpose the one's I love over her and imagine the infinite and blessedly unrealized What-Ifs.

I'm not sure what I am feeling here and now, but I know how grateful I am to the rooms, the people in them, and my HP that helped me keep my head up and keep moving forward when I could have let my fear consume me. I am grateful that I didn't have to face the unthinkable as this young woman's mother did, but I know I am infinitely grateful for her exquisitely documented legacy. That is my gratitude list for today.

Much satisfaction.

I'm happy to have the anxiety and expectations of Christmas behind me. I realize that my drive to out-do myself in spite of any well intentioned resolutions made in November about "simplifying" and "getting back to the spirit of the season" is just a magnification of my year-round need to please.

If I have constant feelings of insecurity and inadequacy regarding my children, partner, family, work responsibilities, etc. etc ..... this time of year is just directing the power of the sun through a magnifying glass on my character defects.

That recognized and stated cyber-out-loud, I find that I can relax and take it easy on myself. Just recognizing it for what it is feels like a big relief and progress. My kids and family love me just as much today as they did on the 24th and I know that it has nothing to do with what they did or did not open up on Christmas morning. We had a lot of together time, food, fun and lots of laughs. At this point, that's all I want.

We did make a deal - my girls and I talked about how I wanted to deconstruct the frenzy of Christmas and honor them with a carefully and individually chosen gift and dinner on birthdays instead. I told them that I'm hoping to make this the new tradition now that they're grown and really don't need a pile of stuff under a tree to be happy. There was a lot of positive response to this, and some discussion about what their friends are doing this time of year. We got to talking about all of the community service work everyone does this time of year(You have to reserve a spot months in advance to be able to volunteer at the big soup kitchen in our city and if you haven't claimed a shelter family to shower with gifts by Halloween, you probably won't get one) and then began reflecting on what those places must do the rest of the year when folks go back to their regular busy lives and responsibilities.

We decided that part of our new tradition was that the birthday boy or girl gets to choose a volunteer activity to do all together before a nice dinner and that special gift. This means we'll be offering to serve and interact with our greater community at least 4 or 5 times a year. I have high hopes for this being not only a much needed resource for some of the great Agencies here, but a chance for us to come together to recognize our social responsibility and to be reminded how rich and gifted our lives already are.

My hope for the New Year is to balance mindfulness of my self and my needs with those of my fellow man. I suspect this will be a great aid to the serenity I seek. I wish that for everyone, not just me.

Where is my Lexus?

Home alone, house is relatively tidy, lights and flowers and other pretty stuff still around the place. I keep hoping that if I can just relax and let it seep in that I'll be magically infused with the spirit of the season (as we understand it).

I am trying to reflect on the past week and understand why this time of year makes so many of us so nutty and unhappy. Every year I vow not to be caught up by the commercialism, rat-race shopping, over-indulging, etc. But then, once those lights go on, the charming decorations are all over the place, my wonderful family, friends and coworkers being extra wonderful...I'm poised to swan dive straight down that rabbit hole again.

It's really hard to leave my money-equals-love feelings of inadequacy behind when the TV is insisting that if he really loved me, there would have been a car with a bow on it in the driveway Christmas morning (Oooh MY...if they only knew HIM!). What absolute crap - but here I am talking about it nonetheless. It's so entangled not only with the relentless messages from Madison Ave. but even from the very Christmas story the churchy types are vigorously defending right about now. I mean, how DID the three kings show their love and respect? Yeah, it wasn't with a nice card or a loaf of nut bread. So if money actually is the expression of adoration, how does one with little money express the depth and breadth of boundless love they feel? How can one know, without a doubt, it has been communicated and represented when the cultural norm is toward the most lavish possible. (That's what credit cards are for, yo?!)

I'm rambling and probably a little tired. I know that showing love and acceptance 365 days a year is more authentic and valuable than a velvet box or a set of car keys one day a year. That's why I'm here, to lay it bare and take a new and more spiritually aware view of things.

Peace in me - peace in you. That's what love really means.

Taking the steps out of order...

That's what I'm going to do this holiday. I have been a conscious slacker when it comes to putting program ahead of all the other things I can fill time with. I still try every day to have a self-reflection time, to measure (some) of my words and practice mindfulness when I remember.

But I also know that this is not enough. It's a bandaid, a patch, a most ephemeral strand of connection to the process I have to return to with some dedication.

I am taking a big step out of order this Christmas with my mom. We don't talk. We argue. The last time we were together it was ugly. I started it and I finished it...lots of bottled up resentment, pain and anger that finally erupted in some spectacular fashion one evening during a visit. Apparently, I'd had just enough therapy to know what I was pissed about and not enough to know how to communicate it. Ugh. Since then, a few grossly misunderstood email exchanges that resulted in more wounded indignation and then the inevitable dark, cold, silence. It's been almost a year. I can't bring myself to send some package of chachkis and a happy-clappy card pretending it's all good. We both know how wounded we are (and some of us are more stubborn and nutty than others, mom...)

So, I decided to write an amends. WTF do I know about this, I think I'm officially on step 2. But I've been writing, saving, re-reading and tweaking this thing for almost two weeks. I finally asked an old salty AA friend to act as my insta-sponsor long enough to read and critique. Amazingly, he said it was great with the only caveat being that....yes, I know...I'd be better off working the steps in order. I love him so much.

I'm sending it tomorrow. I'm printing it up, signing it with love and tucking it into the requisite happy-clappy Christmas card. I think I will feel better having made the effort, but I can already feel myself anticipating, expecting, hoping, worrying......about the response. Goddammit, I understand in my head that this is for me. I can't effect change. That's got to be my mantra after I drop it in the postbox. That, and "get my ass to a meeting - TODAY".

Happy Holidays friends.