This has been a revelation of sorts, that the stuff spinning in my head might, just might, make more sense and be more manageable if I *gasp* exposed it to the light. A great friend in AA recently told me that the reason I was getting nowhere with my attempts at Alanon (ah, the brutal honesty of the AA old timer) was because I was on a "closed-loop system" - trying to fix my broken head, heart and spirit with my broken head, heart and spirit. OK then.

That was a very sobering bit of commentary. Irony noted. I have been nibbling around the edges of Alanon for a couple of years now. Reading a little, going to a meeting from time to time, all the while trying to figure out two things. How to identify all the people who make me have to do this and precisely what their part in it was AND how Alanon was going to help me fix them. Yup, I'm serious. I would twist myself into the most amazing mental contortions trying to make it look like I was all about the message of self-examination and all of that while secretly trying to figure out how all of it actually applied to those who I was sure were the reason I was miserable most of the time.

I'm not really any more sure than I was a year ago how to go about this, but I feel like I have a different mindset... a barely perceptible yet monumental shift in my willingness to let go of the millions of ways I have perfected to keep you at arms length while still micromanaging and passing judgment on you. I have perfected 'rejecting you before you (inevitably) reject me' and have recently received that self-fulfilling prophesy in a most spectacular fashion. Now I have the chance to practice looking at my part in it, making my amends, turning loose of my resentments and moving forward. Seriously, moving forward - no agenda - no rooting up past hurts - processing it and the moving on. Wow, wouldn't that be great!! I am not without hope that it can happen.