Thinking about the Reverend.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

So says Martin Luther King. He should know, right? I mean - when I want to start feeling sorry for myself that I don't have what I think I should have or people haven't treated me the way I want to be treated or I'm disappointed, or sad, or worried or, or, or..... I like to dig into the reflections of people who have battled unimaginable circumstances and had the conviction and faith to keep doing the next right thing.

In this case, doing that next right thing cost his life. I feel it's my social and moral duty to try, however I am able, to stand for what is righteous, compassionate and constructive rather than destructive. I have never had to worry about my life, my safety, my standing such as it is. I have learned that the lessons of Dr. King apply to the greatest context all the way down to the one-on-one of intimate relationships. I love my wonderfully creative, passionate, curious and utterly dysfunctional qualifiers as much as I love the life I live with them in it. I wouldn't trade this mess for anything in the world.

I can say with complete conviction that I would NOT have grown into the reflective, accepting and (hopefully) empathetic person I am today were it not for the challenges, obstacles, fears and triumphs this life has provided.

I work with children, and always tell my new employees, patience is enduring something unpleasant, but if you take time to really understand something, you can support and encourage instead of just enduring. So much better that way.

I really AM sorry...

This has been a week of great discomfort, yes, even pain. Physical and emotional. The worst part isn't the bad feeling because that usually passes, but what I'm really sensitized to at this point is the feeling of isolation.

I push people away as a first, snap response to conflict or hurt. But I don't want them to stay away. Unfortunately, I find that I am much less clear in the second part of that stipulation than the first. Screaming at someone to leave me alone is practically reflex. Humbly asking forgiveness and reconnection still eludes me.

I also notice that when I'm at a low emotional and physical ebb like this, I read much more 'rejection' between other people's lines than I would if I was in a more reflective and self aware mental place.

I know I will benefit more from reaching out than waiting for someone to extend a hand, but I've been doing this for so long it's down right embarassing...."soooorry, I was [insert character defect behavior here], I am aware of how I mistreated you....."
Seriously, how many times can anyone hear that before it loses it's impact? This is where I find myself and, frankly, it scares me. Like the boy that cried wolf. I'm the broad that cried insecure self-doubt and loathing. (Wow, talk about a terrifying parable!) So I wait, miserable, hoping for either a moment of lightness that will take me where I need to go with my amend....or....a call from whomever I am at odds with forgiving me in spite of my inability to do the next right thing.

I'm trying to find some internal balance again, not jump to FIX everything around me when I need to first get my internal tadasana aligned again. Putting my wish out to the universe, I can't do it by myself.