We help each other.

Interesting ideas from someone at the 12x book last night. She talked about how her family of origin was so broken and that when something got broken (relationships) they stayed that way. Nobody tried to fix them - it just WAS that it was broken and it had to be accepted silently. That is my family to the last detail. Every conversation, gathering, friendship, relationship, marriage, etc. that my mom felt threatened or disappointed in she ENDED. Whether it was further conversation at the dinner table where someone said something she felt hurt or disrespected by or her relationships with her sister, her only daughter, now two husbands (including a father I was never allowed to know because she felt betrayed by him). There is this silence and secrecy (just don't ask) around much of these broken relationships that only occasionally is broken to release a diatribe of anger, venom, disappointment and PAIN. And no matter how I try, I feel those same destructive self-protective impulses and responses well up in me when I distrust, disbelieve or perceive myself to be unwanted or unloved. Which, sad to say, is still a large part of the time.

That brought her to say that as an adult, when someone says they love her or want to do something for her all she can think is Why?? Why would you really do something for me....you must want something. She also said she felt like she was 'faking' alanon, even though she's been in for a long time and works the program she still felt like a fraud. That was so painful and illuminating. I feel so much of the same things - I can't figure out exactly how I fit there and I over analyze myself and my situation and constantly feel that I have to explain and understand my damage before I can start working on my serenity. Logically I understand why that is crazy, but my mind won't let me out of the labyrinth of trying to assign blame to move forward.

I really appreciated her willingness to admit these feelings of failure and the obvious pain it brought up for her because she gave me one more peek into my own broken patterns.

I thanked her after the meeting for that honesty and courage and she seemed genuinely surprised and pleased that what she felt was her failing in the program so far had been so valuable to another member.

I think I just had an HP moment....

I just posted this to Syd's blog, but I have to reiterate here. His post today was about our expectations of others and relationships not being realized and having feelings of disappointment with others, even though we know we don't always rise to the moment either.

"I think that it's a misconception that having a relationship with another human being means happiness and concordance all the time. Nurturing a relationship certainly takes selflessness, patience and tolerance, even when I may not feel those things."

This has been my emotional rubic's cube for I don't know how long. These past days have been especially rife with thoughts of disappointment, resentment, hopelessness for the situation. And then, there are Syd's thoughts on the very same topic (only way more evolved and reflective than mine at the moment!) OMG what a relief to see that. I was thinking, WOW, what an amazing coincidence, again, that I get what I need. Then I realized that maybe, just maybe, this is NOT a coincidence. This is the universe, the greater good, my spiritual Jiminny Cricket taking care of me and getting me to think in a new way. I'm so excited right now at that possibility ... I'm almost giddy. To think it's possible that I'm not all alone in this is the most wonderful possibility to contemplate.

This week's goal...

To return the focus to myself and my part in both my problems and my successes and happiness. Returning it each and every time my ill-tempered and willful thought process sneaks behind my back and gets me going on who did what wrong to me and why I need to straighten them out or kick them off my island.

I will do this through meditation, program calls (if it kills me I'll make one this week), reading, self-care (yoga, meetings and listening to my own damned body and mind instead of trying to keep someone else's happy)

And I will try my best to keep coming back here to journal my progress so I can see the good stuff and not just dwell on the failures. I think that's the focus part.

What's the rush?

A rough day after another crossed purposes heated discussion at the end of the evening. I have been reminded many times that when one tries to change the script or the tune or whatever you want to call the fucked up pattern of engagement, it will elicit the most spectacular push back response. Nobody wants to face any kind of hiccup in the system. Even if it would be better in the end.
Speaking up for myself and my feelings with a totally rational tone was, predictably, met with belittling ranting and condescending self-defense and generalized accusations of being hysterical-crazy-not normal-hung up-jealous-weird....you get the idea.

And I, also predictably, cannot seem to not defend myself. WHY? can't I just close my mouth and believe for two consecutive seconds that this is someone else's stuff, not mine and my defense A. falls on deaf ears B. is not necessary C. will not change a thing.

This evening, it surfaced again and I decided to take myself to a meeting (that I was almost completely convinced I wasn't going to go to) instead of sitting around feeling bad. I heard the best share from a woman who clearly has a lot of program but also has a very, very difficult situation in her life. But she was so clear and calm. I had heard her share about it 3 weeks ago when the episode at home was fresh. There was lots of pain and fear, but even then she seemed to know enough to "do the next right thing". I was really impressed by that.

Tonight, she thanked the room for the support and love she had received, and asked respectfully that it not go to the place of pity. It was really nice, because she went on to say that she had not confronted or yelled or accused or any of the things she felt or that I certainly would have done in her situation.

Instead, she took patient, purposeful and mindful approach of journaling her feelings and program, making calls, talking to her sponsor, meditating and gently, patiently doing HER work on HER program and HER feelings and responses and let the other person do what they needed to do. Nobody in that situation needed or would have benefited from a tirade or a chewing out.

Taking time to reflect on anger, negative thoughts, fears and hopes gives us the chance to get to that point of clarity and serenity that up until now, I have only had a glimpse of in hindsight. When I was doing mop-up and damage control.

I wasn't perfect this evening, but I was better. I want to keep stating my feelings and not reacting, REACTING!, to the response, no matter how crazed and frenzied and inflammatory it may get. I have a long history with this crazy talk and the morning-after regret. Hopefully I can get to the point where I don't have to own someone else's words, especially when they're out there to get me back to acting crazy .... just what they want so it will be my shit that caused the conflict and they get one more day of free pass from personal responsibility or self-reflection.

How the FUCK does this shit and "love" ever end up in the same sentence? Boy, do I need to get quiet and give myself time to hear the voice of an HP, cuz I am surely getting nowhere with my methods.

Am I, do I, can I.....

1. Do I constantly seek approval and affirmation?

2. Do I fail to recognize or believe my accomplishments?

3. Do I fear criticism?

4. Do I overextend myself?

5. Have I had problems with my own compulsive behavior?

6. Do I have a need for perfection?

7. Am I uneasy when my life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

8. Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

9. Do I still feel responsible for others, as I did for the problem drinker in my life?

10. Do I care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for myself?

11. Do I isolate myself from other people?

12. Do I respond with anxiety or hostility to authority figures and angry people?

13. Do I feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of me?

14. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do I confuse pity with love, as I did with the problem drinker?

16. Do I attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?

17. Do I cling to relationships because I am afraid of being alone?

18. Do I often mistrust my own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

19. Do I find it difficult to express by emotions?

20. Am I attracted to people who have lots of problems I think I can fix?

Not much going wrong, must not need recovery anymore.

This is a familiar stance for me. I'm all about working my program in whatever way possible when I am in the eye of the storm. Boy oh boy do I need Alanon, serenity, support, revelations, etc. when it's all going wrong. Then, a few days pass with no conflict or crisis and I'm thinking I can just skip the meeting, maybe tomorrow, whatever. This is why I'm so paralyzed when the next challenge shows up....I have made little effort to dig deep and make my improved mental and emotional health a DAILY priority, not just a priority when all other options are exhausted.
I'm going to go spend a little quality time with the Mr. so when I go to a meeting later tonight, his mopey little face won't sway me to stay home, watch the ball game and avoid working on me. I might even get Yoga in there somewhere ... I'll let you know!

Staying on my side of the proverbial street.

Today was an exercise in refocusing on myself. What a foreign concept that is most of the time...if I even manage to remember to contemplate it. I have a co-worker who I have a passive-aggressive, superficial and respect free relationship with. Unfortunately, this person is a subordinate and really only pretends to see it as such. She has, for years, subverted me with other staff members, smiled to my face and done whatever she felt she wanted to when I was gone. Ugh. The last few days have been a budget hassle that has her rationalizing overspending and me saying it has to stop and both of us know she's going to agree until the next time she goes over and then the rationalizations start all over again.

This afternoon I attended a book study meeting where I read a passage about step one. I frequently feel that I may never really progress past this step. Anyway, I commented on the reading, reiterating my struggle to actually accept my powerlessness, then to actually focus on myself and not just focus on how I could ACT differently in order to affect the change in others I wasn't supposed to be trying to affect. (clever, yes?) It was a good share, I heard a lot of other stuff that was powerful and I left somewhat heartened.

Then it hit me, I did NOT have to try to change this co-worker. What? But isn't it my job to make all of my staff over in my image?! Nope. All I have to do is state my expectations, make sure the owner is looped in, and then let this person make the decision to either support the mission or not. It will be evident to all soon enough if her decisions are not in the best interest of and withing the expectations of myself and the ownership of the business.

All these years I've been trying to change her and driving myself mad with the frustration and resentment. It's not mine to change, it's hers. God, I feel 10 pounds lighter.

Learning how to love.

I'm still thinking a great deal about the idea of getting what you give. The Golden Rule. My default is so intensely ingrained to do the opposite, to make you prove you love me - to distrust - to wait for you to make the first move - say you're sorry - say you love me - validate me goddammit!

So I'm going to be on this for a while, revisiting and restating in the hope that repetition will bring it from the way way back to the front of my consciousness. That I won't NEED to do the destructive thing for the emotional fix that leaves me ashamed, drained and further away from the person and from my serenity.

The love you take is equal to the love you make. ...Lennon/McCartney

Be the change you want to see in the world. ... Ghandi

To live without risk is to risk not living. ...Pope Pius

You cannot do a kindness too soon for you never know when it is going to be too late. ...Emerson

To learn you cannot make someone love you. What you can do is let yourself be loved.

I realize that learning to express love takes saying the words, feeling the feelings, and taking action. I am going to do all those things today. ...Syd

I want to live this philosophy a little more each day. It's the best I can do.

Miranda doesn't know how good she's got it.

I have been thinking about my fledgling blog, but as usual, life gets in the way of my best intentions. When work and family and all of the attendant demands, frustrations and anxieties take over, my focus on simply doing the next right thing leaves me. I get back into the grinding need to make you see things my way, to be heard, to be understood, to be validated. It's emotionally exhausting to even think about it.

I went down that road again last night after drinking (against all my better judgment) a bunch or red wine with a friend earlier in the evening. I am fully aware of the shift in attitude and almost immediate sense of self-righteous paranoia and hostility that seeps in right after the initial lovely warm buzz starts to recede. Ugh. By 9:30 I was sullen and wanting to make the point that people who are artists and don't have to work an 8 or 9 hour day should be doing things during their very loosely scheduled day to make their hard(er) working partner happy, comfortable and valued. Said artistic type took the predictable and possibly warranted stance of total self-defense. STAND OFF. I did manage to salvage myself by mumbling something about just wanting to be heard and maybe I was wrong and whatever to just get to go to bed without a real fight. AM I right? Do I have a right to expect (read: demand) acts of devotion? And if they're demanded, are they really any longer acts of devotion or simply coerced acts of pacification?

I have decided that no matter how many flaws Steve on SITC has, he still isn't even close to being a real possibility. Reality check - meditation reminder - try again today to give what I want to receive.

Thanks for making it OK.

Looking at my usual bloggers during a break at work I come to Mr. Sponsorpants. I love him so much - he totally embodies those people I love most in this life. Oh, and myself. Most of all, myself. Today he was talking about fear which is apparently my default state of mind and definitely the place I respond to the world from.
My fear is what has kept me from living and loving freely my entire life and what continues to whisper in my ear that I am not worthy, that they don't really like me, that someone else would be better, I am just not enough of anything. It has take 50 years to actually see this as possibly not the truth and to consider risking another approach to life and the people in it. I want to tattoo the words in his post on my arm so I have them as a handy reference for those hundreds of moments in any day when I am poised to react in fierce, self-defensive and destructive anger to the most mundane questions or comments from my loved ones .....

Pause.

Breathe.

Be truthful.

Trust.

It takes practice.

Yes, yes it does. And thank you for saying so and reminding me that it can happen.

No meeting...yoga meditation instead.

This is great. I actually woke up thinking about getting to write again today. A meeting I really like was canceled without notice yesterday. Now, six months ago I would have been sort of relieved and gone shopping or something. But this time as I walked back to my car I was conscious of my disappointment and just a little uncomfortable that I wouldn't be getting the inspiration and fellowship I'm learning to love.
So I came home to read some from the literature and then listened to Eckhart Tolle on the Ipod. I love his message of the present moment being all there is .... and the tone of his voice and his accent ... I am always so much more peaceful and present after walking through the park with him. He's also pretty amusing in his awkward, understated little way.

My oldest daughter and I saw The Help last night. I am always brought up short by the cold, stark, cruelty of ignorance. I had read the book and was a tad disappointed with all that was cut from the story, but it was still well acted, beautifully shot and the message was clear. My daughter is a makeup artist and hair stylist and lives in that wonderfully impossibly unrealistic world of fashion and aesthetic most of the time. She spent the first few minutes going nuts over the costuming, hair, period settings, etc. Then the first harsh and disrespectful exchange between a white woman and her black maid happened on screen and it stopped my daughter in mid-gush. She looked at me in the dark theater and said "In ninteen-sixty-TWOOO???!" I know. I know. That's in my lifetime for god sake.
It was one of those moments when I had to think long and hard about what assumptions we make about other people's demons, history and journey. It's not so simple, from either side, and we all need to be mindful daily that we're putting out what we wish to receive. I love the message in the Beatle's song, In The End. ..."the love you take is equal to the love you make"... just that simple.

I am headed to a two hour chakra meditation, restorative yoga and pressure point massage class. Yeaaahhhh....this is a great place to live. I even like the fog.

This has been a revelation of sorts, that the stuff spinning in my head might, just might, make more sense and be more manageable if I *gasp* exposed it to the light. A great friend in AA recently told me that the reason I was getting nowhere with my attempts at Alanon (ah, the brutal honesty of the AA old timer) was because I was on a "closed-loop system" - trying to fix my broken head, heart and spirit with my broken head, heart and spirit. OK then.

That was a very sobering bit of commentary. Irony noted. I have been nibbling around the edges of Alanon for a couple of years now. Reading a little, going to a meeting from time to time, all the while trying to figure out two things. How to identify all the people who make me have to do this and precisely what their part in it was AND how Alanon was going to help me fix them. Yup, I'm serious. I would twist myself into the most amazing mental contortions trying to make it look like I was all about the message of self-examination and all of that while secretly trying to figure out how all of it actually applied to those who I was sure were the reason I was miserable most of the time.

I'm not really any more sure than I was a year ago how to go about this, but I feel like I have a different mindset... a barely perceptible yet monumental shift in my willingness to let go of the millions of ways I have perfected to keep you at arms length while still micromanaging and passing judgment on you. I have perfected 'rejecting you before you (inevitably) reject me' and have recently received that self-fulfilling prophesy in a most spectacular fashion. Now I have the chance to practice looking at my part in it, making my amends, turning loose of my resentments and moving forward. Seriously, moving forward - no agenda - no rooting up past hurts - processing it and the moving on. Wow, wouldn't that be great!! I am not without hope that it can happen.