I thought things were a little better...until I really thought about that.

It's been a while. I am becoming aware of my relationship to blogging as being a refuge and haven when I am spiraling out of control or so gripped by fear or anger that I have no other way to release it and not suffer a serious ramification. I notice that when I'm sort of humming along with a measure of calm and relative sanity I don't think about blogging as much and when I do (now it's become one more thing in my life that I delay and then feel shitty about delaying) I seem to be at a loss for what I want to talk about. OH, crazy, whipsawed, gut wrenching, agonizing emotional pain? Not a problem - I can talk about that 'til the cows come home. My personal happiness? Not so much.
This is interesting, because it suggests that I have a harder time recognizing, articulating and embracing (gasp) happiness. Contentment. Peaceful abiding. But wait, isn't that what this entire pursuit is all about - achieving a place of reflective serenity and emotional safety? I think I feel that and assume 'calm before the storm' or 'they don't care about me anymore' or 'it won't last' or...... It's pretty amazing when you think about it -- a relatively rational and functional human being in search of validation for paranoia and self-loathing.
I better get to a meeting this week. And a few yoga classes. I am clearly in FAR worse shape than I ever guessed.

You're not the boss of me.

Today's question: how do I discern between the voices in my head? Oh, yes, there are definitely a chorus of them. Or as my AA friends call them...the committee. Part of the committee is telling me to mind my side of the street, be my best me, do the next right thing, honor my dignity and walk my walk. Give the benefit of the doubt, assume the best and expect grace.

Then there are those sitting at the other end of the table, the members of the committee who show up without their homework, texting instead of listening to the presentation and making scoffing noises when I attempt to take a higher view of the things that have the capacity to make me nuts in the blink of an eye....the ideas that lurk in my mind-shadows just waiting to leap out - "aaahHA!! I knew I couldn't trust you!" "I saw that, yeah I don't know quite what I saw but I KNOW it can't be good!"

The evolved and well meaning thoughts just sit there stunned, letting the asshole thoughts in the back of the room run roughshod over my serenity. And you know what? Even though I'm sitting here thinking that everything is really OK and that I just let myself have a moment of crazy - the motley crazy-crew of toxic thinking is milling around outside in the hallway, just waiting for me to forget they're there for a minute. When, oh when, will crazy wait in the car or possibly just go on home and leave me alone?

There is a thought to fall asleep to. Maybe I'll have some clarity tomorrow. Hope and pray people, that's the best we can do. Nite-nite.

Really? Again??

This is about the millionth time I have had a gigantic snap-out then gone to sit down and do some program reading on my favorite blogs to try to right myself. The absurdity of the order in which I perform these two acts is NOT lost, I assure you. What I find, nine times out of ten, is a new post or two or three ALL discussing the very, exact, spot-on topic I am struggling and losing with. I have mused before that this may not be coincidence.

Recognizing our Own Patterns of Behavior. "...pride will always convince us that we don't have any changing to do.." "it's someone else's fault we're unhappy." TAAAF needs to stop watching at my window, that's all I have to say!

Another blogger was reminding herself (and all of us) that today she "...will not take another's inventory or tell them how they've hurt me....only pray for them."

I would have to add to that PRAY FOR MYSELF. Pray for my kindness to myself so I don't have to strike at others, pray for my contentment so I don't have to wish someone would do something to prove their devotion, pray for my understanding and compassion so I may treat others with the gentle hand and tongue that I so desperately wish for.

What I can't seem to get is that this prayer is so much more effective and so much less painful when it's before I open my mouth rather than the other way around.
Maybe this is just the way the whole thing goes and these moments are getting (a little) further between or a little less intense as time passes. It's hard to see it that way from this end of things, but I am hopeful.

ODAT: "But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Evasions are kissing-cousins with suspicions, accusations and withdrawal...all the things I cloak myself with the minute I feel angry (see: insecure).

It's only the middle of the day and I've got some time to myself now, I am going to read and re-read; write and re-write; and hope for clarity and courage. More later.

Which new me should I be?

I am thinking a lot about time, death, lost opportunities, lost time, all the ingredients for some serious regret. I'm thinking about people who are leaving us and those that will and how I last interacted with them. Avoidance. Difficulty being able to humbly state my wrongs and move forward.
Watching others find their way with loss and wondering how I'll do and how will I feel if I have not made my amends.
Thinking about lost time and an entire lifetime of feeling less than. Wanting to be loved, pretty, popular, accepted, desired....and never really believing it when there was a hint of any of those possibilities. Now I struggle with the idea of using my little resources to either live life, travel, enjoy those I love OR have the looks I so dearly and dreadfully want. Will they really make me happy? What's looking good if you're all alone and not out enjoying the world and life.
But there are those feelings so deep down, the if only thoughts about the superficial things.
I feel as if I'm running from the real change by getting work done, but then I feel that I'm rationalizing and settling if I don't. I hope more will be revealed and that I will be open to receiving it.

Wait, why was I angry again?

What is this? What does it take for me to be able to have the self-respect and constitution not to get weepy and insecure and afraid? So WHAT if he doesn't call to say he misses the sound of my voice? For god's sake - this is my life and my sense of emotional security and personal worth. Why am I SO afraid to be alone for 24 hours without being wanted and needed and desired.
This is obviously a chance for me to look at my own attitudes about myself. I am obsessing on the other person in a different way but still not keeping the focus on myself.

Turning point - rock bottom - both?

This weekend feels like a lot of others in some ways, and very different in another. It is so hard to sustain this, but I finally stated and stood by my boundaries. I have, countless times, yelled and carried on about unacceptable behavior and then allowed things to slip back to the old pattern and simultaneously talk myself into some sort of twisted rationalization for the other person's behavior; all the while being consumed by a burning paranoia and distrust driving me to ferret out every little thing I can to drive my anger and indignation and sense of betrayal.

I am also seeing more clearly that all of the accusations, criticisms, condemnations and other end-times rhetoric from this person is the predictable and expected backlash to change that is substantive. I have to be willing to weather that and keep my focus on my value, limits and serenity. Otherwise, what's the point. My calm and loving detachment from the crazy is an offering of strength as much as it is a lifeline for myself.

I am also aware that I hide behind cold and rejecting anger at these times and it doesn't serve me. I can love the person and hate the behavior (including no longer tolerating it) My arguing and criticizing and denigration on points that are so petty and unimportant have revealed themselves to be my way of fighting against what couldn't be talked about by attacking everything around the edges. Well, now it's all out on the table and in the light of day. I know there is no magic bullet for this kind of change, but for the first time I am operating from a position of calm conviction instead of fear and defense.

I dedicated my practice to my worthiness tonight...and sent my prayer up for him. He needs it and deserves it. I hope our higher powers will talk to each other soon.

Making a call.

So, I've heard every reassurance, encouragement, validation and value to making program calls... and I really want to do it, really, I do. I just can't seem to pick up the phone and have something to say (amazing, I know). I am always trying to fight the good fight to keep myself focused on myself, not obsess over what I cannot change, avoid paranoid and destructive thoughts and maintain my serenity (such as it is). Of course I spend most of my time doing exactly those things so the fight goes on.
Which of these myriad and miring topics should I casually mention I could use a little support with?

All I want to do is have someone tell me I'm not crazy, he's not doing the things I worry he's doing, I'm OK and deserve to be happy and it's all going to be OK.
Somehow, I don't think that's what one can expect from a simple phone call to another member of the group.

I have to break through and do this so I can understand, first hand, what the value is. I have to.