A rough day after another crossed purposes heated discussion at the end of the evening. I have been reminded many times that when one tries to change the script or the tune or whatever you want to call the fucked up pattern of engagement, it will elicit the most spectacular push back response. Nobody wants to face any kind of hiccup in the system. Even if it would be better in the end.
Speaking up for myself and my feelings with a totally rational tone was, predictably, met with belittling ranting and condescending self-defense and generalized accusations of being hysterical-crazy-not normal-hung up-jealous-weird....you get the idea.
And I, also predictably, cannot seem to not defend myself. WHY? can't I just close my mouth and believe for two consecutive seconds that this is someone else's stuff, not mine and my defense A. falls on deaf ears B. is not necessary C. will not change a thing.
This evening, it surfaced again and I decided to take myself to a meeting (that I was almost completely convinced I wasn't going to go to) instead of sitting around feeling bad. I heard the best share from a woman who clearly has a lot of program but also has a very, very difficult situation in her life. But she was so clear and calm. I had heard her share about it 3 weeks ago when the episode at home was fresh. There was lots of pain and fear, but even then she seemed to know enough to "do the next right thing". I was really impressed by that.
Tonight, she thanked the room for the support and love she had received, and asked respectfully that it not go to the place of pity. It was really nice, because she went on to say that she had not confronted or yelled or accused or any of the things she felt or that I certainly would have done in her situation.
Instead, she took patient, purposeful and mindful approach of journaling her feelings and program, making calls, talking to her sponsor, meditating and gently, patiently doing HER work on HER program and HER feelings and responses and let the other person do what they needed to do. Nobody in that situation needed or would have benefited from a tirade or a chewing out.
Taking time to reflect on anger, negative thoughts, fears and hopes gives us the chance to get to that point of clarity and serenity that up until now, I have only had a glimpse of in hindsight. When I was doing mop-up and damage control.
I wasn't perfect this evening, but I was better. I want to keep stating my feelings and not reacting, REACTING!, to the response, no matter how crazed and frenzied and inflammatory it may get. I have a long history with this crazy talk and the morning-after regret. Hopefully I can get to the point where I don't have to own someone else's words, especially when they're out there to get me back to acting crazy .... just what they want so it will be my shit that caused the conflict and they get one more day of free pass from personal responsibility or self-reflection.
How the FUCK does this shit and "love" ever end up in the same sentence? Boy, do I need to get quiet and give myself time to hear the voice of an HP, cuz I am surely getting nowhere with my methods.
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