But I have to get this out into the universe. I saw a blog this morning that said 'relationships were her Kryptonite". I guess that's a pretty unanimous truth, if it's not a romantic relationship it's a family one, or a professional one, or the really big, fat, ugly one....the one with one's self. Mine is a study in such self-protective paranoia that it is an unavoidably detrimental influence on all the rest of them.
My greatest fear of all is that I am not REALLY (you know the way other people are) loved and valued. That I am being used, manipulated and devalued by all of those I am in a relationship with. They all want something from me, and I'm so co-dependent that I also think the only way to show love is to give.
I mean, even when someone very close to me surprises me with a little gift, or flowers, or nice dinner....at first I'm delighted, but then my thinking always takes me down the rabbit hole of wondering what they want, or what they feel guilty about, or............
Yeah, no more needs to be said about that trip to Crazytown. My big triumph this last time was actually NOT turning it into a giant "thing" where I make a lot of ridiculous statements and veiled accusations to get that cheap, fake kind of reassurance that just ends up making me feel worse.
When does the drop actually happen?
Good for you... knowing what it's about and knowing what to do.
ReplyDeleteBelow are a few thoughts that have been a help to me from the Hope For Today meditation book.
"My life matters."
"How easily do I give away my serenity."
"I heard many members say their group loved them until they loved themselves."
"The most important person to gain love and respect [and trust] from is myself."
May the force [er, higher power] be with you : ) .
Oops, my comment above was supposed to go with your 11/11 post. I'll copy it there, too. Sorry.
ReplyDelete