It's been a while. I am becoming aware of my relationship to blogging as being a refuge and haven when I am spiraling out of control or so gripped by fear or anger that I have no other way to release it and not suffer a serious ramification. I notice that when I'm sort of humming along with a measure of calm and relative sanity I don't think about blogging as much and when I do (now it's become one more thing in my life that I delay and then feel shitty about delaying) I seem to be at a loss for what I want to talk about. OH, crazy, whipsawed, gut wrenching, agonizing emotional pain? Not a problem - I can talk about that 'til the cows come home. My personal happiness? Not so much.
This is interesting, because it suggests that I have a harder time recognizing, articulating and embracing (gasp) happiness. Contentment. Peaceful abiding. But wait, isn't that what this entire pursuit is all about - achieving a place of reflective serenity and emotional safety? I think I feel that and assume 'calm before the storm' or 'they don't care about me anymore' or 'it won't last' or...... It's pretty amazing when you think about it -- a relatively rational and functional human being in search of validation for paranoia and self-loathing.
I better get to a meeting this week. And a few yoga classes. I am clearly in FAR worse shape than I ever guessed.
I'm here via Syd, from a different path in many ways but very taken with your struggle. Especially as regards the effort to come to terms with some of the difficulties via blogging. I suppose as much as we bloggers want to read and connect with other bloggers, the urge not to blog might signify an escape into a better state of mind. I suppose of we were all perfectly ok - as if such a state exists - then we'd have no need to write in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI'm here by way of Syd's blog, too. Scanning your sight I found such resonance with your points of view and style of expression. We might be kin souls in that! Anyway, I'm writing to introduce myself and tell you that you have inspired me to consider re-activating my own blog. I de-activated it because, being new in Alanon, finding my way and rhythm in Alanon had to take priority. The fun of the blog and my love of writing distracted me from that. Elisabeth's comments about writing have me thinking, too. Thanks, to both of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to hear your reflections...sometimes I feel like I'm in a little bit of a self-indulgent echo chamber. But I like it in there!
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