That's what I'm going to do this holiday. I have been a conscious slacker when it comes to putting program ahead of all the other things I can fill time with. I still try every day to have a self-reflection time, to measure (some) of my words and practice mindfulness when I remember.
But I also know that this is not enough. It's a bandaid, a patch, a most ephemeral strand of connection to the process I have to return to with some dedication.
I am taking a big step out of order this Christmas with my mom. We don't talk. We argue. The last time we were together it was ugly. I started it and I finished it...lots of bottled up resentment, pain and anger that finally erupted in some spectacular fashion one evening during a visit. Apparently, I'd had just enough therapy to know what I was pissed about and not enough to know how to communicate it. Ugh. Since then, a few grossly misunderstood email exchanges that resulted in more wounded indignation and then the inevitable dark, cold, silence. It's been almost a year. I can't bring myself to send some package of chachkis and a happy-clappy card pretending it's all good. We both know how wounded we are (and some of us are more stubborn and nutty than others, mom...)
So, I decided to write an amends. WTF do I know about this, I think I'm officially on step 2. But I've been writing, saving, re-reading and tweaking this thing for almost two weeks. I finally asked an old salty AA friend to act as my insta-sponsor long enough to read and critique. Amazingly, he said it was great with the only caveat being that....yes, I know...I'd be better off working the steps in order. I love him so much.
I'm sending it tomorrow. I'm printing it up, signing it with love and tucking it into the requisite happy-clappy Christmas card. I think I will feel better having made the effort, but I can already feel myself anticipating, expecting, hoping, worrying......about the response. Goddammit, I understand in my head that this is for me. I can't effect change. That's got to be my mantra after I drop it in the postbox. That, and "get my ass to a meeting - TODAY".
Happy Holidays friends.
Hi Uvaskris,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comment on my blog post last night. I appreciate it. Good luck with your amends letter, just remember this motto:
"Take action, surrender results!"
It doesnt matter her response, it just matters that you did it!!
God bless and Merry Christmas :)
Every plan I've made to some Al-Anon commitment or another, or plan to work the steps some way or another, etc., etc., all failed. But not really. I have only months under my belt and I'm finding my way, and mis-steps are part of the deal. I tend to think it will be the same even after having years under my belt.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, discussion of steps is of great interest to me. I know I will do them in order as they apply to my life overall, for many reasons I've discerned as benefits. However, I have discerned, too, that a certain step or a round of steps can be applied on the sidelines to specific circumstances as needs arise.
So glad to read your discussion of this.