I really AM sorry...

This has been a week of great discomfort, yes, even pain. Physical and emotional. The worst part isn't the bad feeling because that usually passes, but what I'm really sensitized to at this point is the feeling of isolation.

I push people away as a first, snap response to conflict or hurt. But I don't want them to stay away. Unfortunately, I find that I am much less clear in the second part of that stipulation than the first. Screaming at someone to leave me alone is practically reflex. Humbly asking forgiveness and reconnection still eludes me.

I also notice that when I'm at a low emotional and physical ebb like this, I read much more 'rejection' between other people's lines than I would if I was in a more reflective and self aware mental place.

I know I will benefit more from reaching out than waiting for someone to extend a hand, but I've been doing this for so long it's down right embarassing...."soooorry, I was [insert character defect behavior here], I am aware of how I mistreated you....."
Seriously, how many times can anyone hear that before it loses it's impact? This is where I find myself and, frankly, it scares me. Like the boy that cried wolf. I'm the broad that cried insecure self-doubt and loathing. (Wow, talk about a terrifying parable!) So I wait, miserable, hoping for either a moment of lightness that will take me where I need to go with my amend....or....a call from whomever I am at odds with forgiving me in spite of my inability to do the next right thing.

I'm trying to find some internal balance again, not jump to FIX everything around me when I need to first get my internal tadasana aligned again. Putting my wish out to the universe, I can't do it by myself.