We help each other.

Interesting ideas from someone at the 12x book last night. She talked about how her family of origin was so broken and that when something got broken (relationships) they stayed that way. Nobody tried to fix them - it just WAS that it was broken and it had to be accepted silently. That is my family to the last detail. Every conversation, gathering, friendship, relationship, marriage, etc. that my mom felt threatened or disappointed in she ENDED. Whether it was further conversation at the dinner table where someone said something she felt hurt or disrespected by or her relationships with her sister, her only daughter, now two husbands (including a father I was never allowed to know because she felt betrayed by him). There is this silence and secrecy (just don't ask) around much of these broken relationships that only occasionally is broken to release a diatribe of anger, venom, disappointment and PAIN. And no matter how I try, I feel those same destructive self-protective impulses and responses well up in me when I distrust, disbelieve or perceive myself to be unwanted or unloved. Which, sad to say, is still a large part of the time.

That brought her to say that as an adult, when someone says they love her or want to do something for her all she can think is Why?? Why would you really do something for me....you must want something. She also said she felt like she was 'faking' alanon, even though she's been in for a long time and works the program she still felt like a fraud. That was so painful and illuminating. I feel so much of the same things - I can't figure out exactly how I fit there and I over analyze myself and my situation and constantly feel that I have to explain and understand my damage before I can start working on my serenity. Logically I understand why that is crazy, but my mind won't let me out of the labyrinth of trying to assign blame to move forward.

I really appreciated her willingness to admit these feelings of failure and the obvious pain it brought up for her because she gave me one more peek into my own broken patterns.

I thanked her after the meeting for that honesty and courage and she seemed genuinely surprised and pleased that what she felt was her failing in the program so far had been so valuable to another member.