I have been thinking about my fledgling blog, but as usual, life gets in the way of my best intentions. When work and family and all of the attendant demands, frustrations and anxieties take over, my focus on simply doing the next right thing leaves me. I get back into the grinding need to make you see things my way, to be heard, to be understood, to be validated. It's emotionally exhausting to even think about it.
I went down that road again last night after drinking (against all my better judgment) a bunch or red wine with a friend earlier in the evening. I am fully aware of the shift in attitude and almost immediate sense of self-righteous paranoia and hostility that seeps in right after the initial lovely warm buzz starts to recede. Ugh. By 9:30 I was sullen and wanting to make the point that people who are artists and don't have to work an 8 or 9 hour day should be doing things during their very loosely scheduled day to make their hard(er) working partner happy, comfortable and valued. Said artistic type took the predictable and possibly warranted stance of total self-defense. STAND OFF. I did manage to salvage myself by mumbling something about just wanting to be heard and maybe I was wrong and whatever to just get to go to bed without a real fight. AM I right? Do I have a right to expect (read: demand) acts of devotion? And if they're demanded, are they really any longer acts of devotion or simply coerced acts of pacification?
I have decided that no matter how many flaws Steve on SITC has, he still isn't even close to being a real possibility. Reality check - meditation reminder - try again today to give what I want to receive.
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