Staying on my side of the proverbial street.

Today was an exercise in refocusing on myself. What a foreign concept that is most of the time...if I even manage to remember to contemplate it. I have a co-worker who I have a passive-aggressive, superficial and respect free relationship with. Unfortunately, this person is a subordinate and really only pretends to see it as such. She has, for years, subverted me with other staff members, smiled to my face and done whatever she felt she wanted to when I was gone. Ugh. The last few days have been a budget hassle that has her rationalizing overspending and me saying it has to stop and both of us know she's going to agree until the next time she goes over and then the rationalizations start all over again.

This afternoon I attended a book study meeting where I read a passage about step one. I frequently feel that I may never really progress past this step. Anyway, I commented on the reading, reiterating my struggle to actually accept my powerlessness, then to actually focus on myself and not just focus on how I could ACT differently in order to affect the change in others I wasn't supposed to be trying to affect. (clever, yes?) It was a good share, I heard a lot of other stuff that was powerful and I left somewhat heartened.

Then it hit me, I did NOT have to try to change this co-worker. What? But isn't it my job to make all of my staff over in my image?! Nope. All I have to do is state my expectations, make sure the owner is looped in, and then let this person make the decision to either support the mission or not. It will be evident to all soon enough if her decisions are not in the best interest of and withing the expectations of myself and the ownership of the business.

All these years I've been trying to change her and driving myself mad with the frustration and resentment. It's not mine to change, it's hers. God, I feel 10 pounds lighter.