Really? Again??

This is about the millionth time I have had a gigantic snap-out then gone to sit down and do some program reading on my favorite blogs to try to right myself. The absurdity of the order in which I perform these two acts is NOT lost, I assure you. What I find, nine times out of ten, is a new post or two or three ALL discussing the very, exact, spot-on topic I am struggling and losing with. I have mused before that this may not be coincidence.

Recognizing our Own Patterns of Behavior. "...pride will always convince us that we don't have any changing to do.." "it's someone else's fault we're unhappy." TAAAF needs to stop watching at my window, that's all I have to say!

Another blogger was reminding herself (and all of us) that today she "...will not take another's inventory or tell them how they've hurt me....only pray for them."

I would have to add to that PRAY FOR MYSELF. Pray for my kindness to myself so I don't have to strike at others, pray for my contentment so I don't have to wish someone would do something to prove their devotion, pray for my understanding and compassion so I may treat others with the gentle hand and tongue that I so desperately wish for.

What I can't seem to get is that this prayer is so much more effective and so much less painful when it's before I open my mouth rather than the other way around.
Maybe this is just the way the whole thing goes and these moments are getting (a little) further between or a little less intense as time passes. It's hard to see it that way from this end of things, but I am hopeful.

ODAT: "But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Evasions are kissing-cousins with suspicions, accusations and withdrawal...all the things I cloak myself with the minute I feel angry (see: insecure).

It's only the middle of the day and I've got some time to myself now, I am going to read and re-read; write and re-write; and hope for clarity and courage. More later.