This weekend feels like a lot of others in some ways, and very different in another. It is so hard to sustain this, but I finally stated and stood by my boundaries. I have, countless times, yelled and carried on about unacceptable behavior and then allowed things to slip back to the old pattern and simultaneously talk myself into some sort of twisted rationalization for the other person's behavior; all the while being consumed by a burning paranoia and distrust driving me to ferret out every little thing I can to drive my anger and indignation and sense of betrayal.
I am also seeing more clearly that all of the accusations, criticisms, condemnations and other end-times rhetoric from this person is the predictable and expected backlash to change that is substantive. I have to be willing to weather that and keep my focus on my value, limits and serenity. Otherwise, what's the point. My calm and loving detachment from the crazy is an offering of strength as much as it is a lifeline for myself.
I am also aware that I hide behind cold and rejecting anger at these times and it doesn't serve me. I can love the person and hate the behavior (including no longer tolerating it) My arguing and criticizing and denigration on points that are so petty and unimportant have revealed themselves to be my way of fighting against what couldn't be talked about by attacking everything around the edges. Well, now it's all out on the table and in the light of day. I know there is no magic bullet for this kind of change, but for the first time I am operating from a position of calm conviction instead of fear and defense.
I dedicated my practice to my worthiness tonight...and sent my prayer up for him. He needs it and deserves it. I hope our higher powers will talk to each other soon.
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